A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!”
So I completed reading bible yesterday for the very first time, not to spoil the ending but Jesus dies..
I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Condoleezza rice die
What’s black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill
Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.
Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Sign at a retail shop : In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich’
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back… So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Behind the death of a successful man is usually the third woman.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway
February 8, 2015
November 9, 2014
November 1, 2014
April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014
March 16, 2014