A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?”
– Margaret Smith
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?” – Unknown
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.”
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. -David Brent
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.”
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Contrary to popular belief, “Damn It” is not God’s last name.
-(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: may be because they change it more often.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” – Jose Maria
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go”
– Oscar Wilde
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
– Bill McGlashen
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
– Earl Wilson
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
– Emo Philips
“Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.”
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” -Brendan Behan
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand
February 8, 2015
November 9, 2014
November 1, 2014
April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014
March 16, 2014