Enjoy the list of best of the best alcohol jokes :
A really drunk guy walked out of a bar stumbling back and forth with car keys in his hand. A nearby cop saw this and said,
“Hello Sir, Can I help you ?”
“Yesssh! Ssomebodyyy sstole my carr”, the man replied.
The cop inquired, “Where did you see you car last time?”
Drunk : “It was on the end of this key”.
At the same time the cop looked down and saw the man’s wiener carelessly hanging out of his fly. So he asked the man, “Excuse me Sir, Are you aware that you are currently exposing yourself?”
Confused for a moment, the drunk looked down at his crotch and without wasting a second, blurted out….
“Holy shit! What the hell… My girlfriend’s gone too !!”
Q. What do you get when you mix Vodka with Holy Water ?
A. Holy Spirit !!
A drunk was driving badly and his car was weaving all over the road. Finally a cop pulled him over.
The cop said, “Do you know that few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank god,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute, I thought I had gone deaf.”
A history teacher asked his students :
Name 3 Kings that brought Joy, pleasure and Happiness in our lives.
A student (yawning) : Smo- King, Drin- King and [email protected] !!
Real lines from a bartender : “The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.”
At about 3AM, John reached home heavily drunk. As he entered into the bedroom, the clock cuckooed three times, so to make her wife think that he came on 12 at midnight he cuckooed 9 more times himself.
Next day when his wife asked, “What time you got home” he replied, “Midnight”
She said “Ok fine but we need a new cuckoo clock”. He asked “But why” ?
She answered, “Last night when you came at midnight, it first cuckooed three times, took a pause and said ‘Oh Shit !’, then it cuckooed five more times and farted, then cuckooed two times and cleared its throat, cuckooed three more times and then started giggling.”
Vodka + Water= Damage of Kidney
Rum + Water= Damage of Liver
Whiskey + Water = Damage of Heart
Jin + Water = Damage of Brain
I think there’s something seriously wrong with Water 😉
A man was drinking Vodka with a really long pipe. The bottle of vodka in one corner and the man on the other corner of the room.
Suddenly his friend came and asked “What is the matter?? Why are you drinking like this?”
Man replied “Because doctor told me to stay away from alcohol”
A drunkard was walking in a new town. At the evening he went to a local shop
Drunkard – “Give me a bottle of whiskey …”
Shopper – “Sorry, drinking in our city is prohibited ….”
Drunkard – “But I can see whisky bottles in your shop …”
Shopper – “It’s for people who are bitten by snake or scorpion…”
Drunkard – “I see … So where can I find a snake or scorpion in this town ?
A man drank too much and started vomiting at roadside really bad.
A nice man came to him and asked – “Why did you have to drink so much?”
Drunk man – “helplessness … there was no choice but to drink .. ”
Good man – “What the hell was that helplessness?”
Drunk man – “The cork of the bottle was missing …!”
And here comes the contenders for the Top 10 :
Ron is drinking in a bar and repeatedly watching his wife’s photo.
His friend asks him “Why are you watching your wife’s photo again and again?”
Ron replied- “When my wife looks beautiful in this photo, then I realize I am fully drunk. Then I will stop drinking and go home”
Entering a bar, a fully drunk man ordered double whiskey. Waiter said him politely that he is already drunk enough, so he can’t give him any more drink. Instead of that he can call a taxi for him.
The drunk left the bar irritated. After few minutes he came back. And again he ordered whiskey. Waiter again denied. Drunken man again left the bar angrily.
Again, few minutes later the drunk entered the bar for the 3rd time. Again the waiter said he can’t give him drinks. Drunken man left again.
Few moments later, again the drunk man entered. Seeing him, waiter came to him. The drunk man shouted angrily seeing waiter and said “Do u work on every bar of the world!!!”
Difference of ages
Youth- Youth is when you smoke, drink and do whatever dirty work whole night but next morning it never appears you have done those
Middle age- You smoke, drink and do whatever dirty work whole night and next morning it appears that you have actually done those.
Old age- You never smoke, drink and do whatever dirty work at the night, but the next morning it appears that u must have done those.
February 8, 2015
November 9, 2014
November 1, 2014
April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014
March 16, 2014