1. A guy was standing in the street smoking cigarette. A lady walking there noticed him and asked
“Hey, these nasty things can kill you !! Didn’t you read warning on the carton?”
“That’s OK for me, I am a programmer” said the guy.
“So what ?”
“Listen lady, We programmers don’t care about any warnings. We only care about errors.”
2. A man went to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper took the man to parrot section and asked him to choose one. The man : ”How much for the green parrot?”
The assistant said, ”$1500.” Man shocked, asked the shopkeeper assistant why it’s so expensive. Shopkeeper explained, ”This parrot is very special. He knows typing .”
”How about the red one?” the man asked.
Shopkeeper : ”He costs $ 3000 because he knows typing and can answer telephone calls as well”
”What about the black one?” the man asked.
Shopkeeper : ”That one is for $ 8,000.”
The man said, ”Really What can this one do?”
Shopkeeper : ”Nothing, but the other two parrots call him boss.”
3. Q: How many brilliant programmers does it take to change a normal light bulb?
A: Zero, It’s a hardware problem, programmers can’t do shit about it.
4. If you put thousand monkeys on thousand keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
But before that, rest of them would have written Perl programs.
5. How to catch a Lion ?
Programmer’s way : Try to trap a lion in a normal cage with simple bait like a goat tied inside of it. If it doesn’t come, change the structure of the cage, if it still doesn’t come, change the bait with deer. This way keep making slight moderations in only these 2 things until the lion is trapped.
Team Lead way : Ask the best hunter to catch the lion, meanwhile keep communicating the progress to the circus management ensuring the lion would be caught without making a slight contribution to the actual process.
Manager’s Way : Keep calling meetings and pushing hard the hunters to catch the lion, if they refuse, send a serious mail with so “pain in the ass” complicated vocabulary that hunter’s find best to give more time and efforts in catching the lion than replying to them. Praise the hunters with false appreciation when they catch a lion and when time comes to pay for it, say we wanted a tiger, not a lion so your performance was not that good and we can’t pay you as much as you expect.
L2 Support Team Member’s way : First read a book on “How to catch lions”. Then perform each step written in the book so slowly (with fear that you might make a mistake) that the Lion becomes so bored and frustrated that he surrenders himself and never raises a request again.
HR Manager’s way : Whenever Lion puts a foot ahead of its territory, start sending him PDFs and Links for the jungle policies and consequences of what can happen if he doesn’t follow them. Even if he follows them, keep sending him the policy update mails and Do’s and Don’ts in the jungle so that lion becomes annoyed and thinks of committing suicide a better way than making automated rules in MS outlook to get rid of them.
6. “What’s the object oriented way to become rich ?”
7. Software is just like sex, It’s never REALLY free !!
8. Why do programmers like UNIX ?
Here’s the few set of commands you can use in Unix:
Unzip , strip , touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, umount, sleep
9. Board in a programmer’s room :
3. Go to 1
10. A programmer became frustrated by his job and went for an interview for the post of HR manager:
Interviewer: Just imagine you are on 7th floor of a building that caught fire,
how will you mange to escape it?
Programmer: It’s very simple. I will stop imagining !!!
February 8, 2015
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March 16, 2014